Few days after...

...and everything seems pretty much the same. I spent last two years in a foreign country with people I would not have met under normal conditions and barely would make friends with anyway. It was like a big psychological experiment, quite sick in nature. Now I am back to my hometown, before I set my foot on another journey, who knows where that one will lead me.

It's kind of hard to remember now how exactly I felt before coming to UWCiM. I guess I was very excited and anxious for a change. I was exactly the same as all the other co-years, as our first years and as the zero years who are about to come to Mostar in September. I was indeed very different from what I am now, but I do not necessarily dedicate all that change to the college. Two years ago, I was full of ideals, energy and naivity (one of my favorite excuses for my mistakes;)). Now most of it is vanished. In the sense of reaching the very bottom, the UWCiM has prepared me for the real life. In other aspects... who knows.

The first year was a struggle but a nice one. I was still enthusiastic and prepared to fight. I was proud to wear the red t-shirt UWCiM-that's what I am despite it's unfittable size and terrible design. I believed that the school is giving me some amazing opportunity which I couldn't get anywhere else. I thought, it would be so easy to get to a uni after all that hell with deadlines and homeworks while my ex-classmates were having great time back home. I was persuaded that giving up on my normal life is an adequate price for UWC. Honestly, it is not.

Of course that it all depends on what sort of life one has prior to the college. I was having quite a few hobbies I liked (before they turned into obligatory CAS part of the IB). I was hanging out with people I have chosen to hang out with from the whole town, republic or whatever. In Mostar, I had "friends" from all over the world, but we were kind of forced to coexist anyway. Regarding the university - IB certainly helped me to face sleep deprivation and write essays. However, it now makes me worse for me regarding the entrance to the university as I have to wait for one more month to get to know my results. And even when I get them, it's gonna be worse than if I have just passed the stupid Czech baccalaureat.

As far as UWC as such could be perceived as one big disappointment for me, there is couple of things I'll stay thankful for till the end of my life. Thanks to UWC I got to know Mostar and Bosnia as such. Regardless the very different mentality of people, unpredictable weather and inappropriate location for studying, Mostar is surely gonna stay in my heart and I hope to keep coming back there. Not in a sense of coming back home but rather coming to a pleasant place where some special locations bring smile on your face. Also, college allowed me to meet few very special people who would hopefully never disappear from my life. Those were there when I was low (third term), when I was happy (occasionally;)). All those wines drank after check-in, all the memories of "cokoladne situacije"/trip to cross/hitchhiking...

People now ask me whether I would go there again if I knew what was waiting for me. I think I would. But I would be more ready to face the challenge that UWCiM presents. It could have been less painful, but then we would learn less from it.

Goodbye high school times. Though the retake of IB exams is highly probable and will take place in November.

Dunno how to begin...nor end.

This is written in  the state of emotional instability, under the influence of alcohol and several events of past few days... So in a way truthful but still surreal.

So, to begin with something and to understand it one shall read my posts from June 2006. Right, three years ago basically. Just one year more than it took him to write to me again. Like if I needed it right now, like a reminder that one can never escape the past. Now, all the memories came back. The good and the bad, the fairytale which never reached the 'happily ever after' part. No happy ending, as there is apparently no ending at all. Thanks a lot and happy birthday to you, who shredded my heart.

The other 'fairytale' of mine reaches exactly the point I was afraid of - I do not understand what's going on in his head anymore. I keep watching but I miss the links. Might have been easier not to know anything maybe. Might have been easier if things were different. Might have been easier if...

I dunno

You may still be here

Though You are lost

And I am thinking whether that's good

Or bad, or just odd

I looked at our pictures

I read the old notes

I have no courage to read the letters

It was us, we matched

Now it is me and you

Do we still match?

I know we weren't happy together

I needed to smile but You choked me

I couldn't breathe

But I loved

It's absurd to say it now

It's late

But it was always too late anyway

Sleep deprived, people-sick, tipsy, disappointed in herself. Two years seem like eternity.

Travelling in time and space

I was out of writing for some time. If I wanted to lie I would say that I was studying. However, that's far away from truth.

The last days in my hometown were spent in the best way I could have possibly dreamt of. I found my inner balance once again and got rid of the gloomy mood Mostar has brought on me in the previous weeks and months. Even Anka was satisfied when seeing me smiling again:) And it isn't (only) the effect of alcohol. Though wine in the park with nargila is a part of the story, no doubt.

However, I'm back in Mostar for almost two weeks now and half of my IB finals passed. Somehow it doesn't feel like THE finals for which I spent two years in the IB hell. Might be good, might be bad. The results will be out some time in the beginning of July so let's wait until then with any judgments about it.

Apart from occasional studying the state of our madness is actually illustrated by actual actions. On Friday night (after nice afternoon with Antonija which was supposed to work as stress release after Maths but brought to us headache from the sun) Salam, Faruk and me decided to see the sun rise at the cross. Hm, great idea at 2:40 in the morning. But we set on the road and it was cool, regardless few scary moments (drunk guys in car at Spanish square shouting "Prcim ti mater balijsku/I'm f***ing your muslim mother" and passing by Zrinjski (Mostar Croat's sport's club) Ultras bar). We made it there in less than hour and half, tired and thirsty but victorious. And without any doubt Mostar looks amazing in the darkness, lighted with the lamps and few passing cars. City was sleeping, unlike us. It brought some calmness to the stormy minds.

Also Dan (coyear from Denmark who left last year) was here for the whole last week. He is still the same penguin, apart from the few muscles that army gave him as part of the training.

Life's fine. Do some tensegrity exercises to get your dreams back.

And if you are Czech get fun with weblog of J.X. Dolezal's "fiance" and her friend: http://expanze.blogspot.com/ ;) 

Bittersweet Symphony

I'm home for more than a week, barely touched the textbooks and wandering on the line between silent melancholia and all-embracing euphoria. So far, so good.

"Something’s better twice than nothing
I felt a lot of pain
Bring back those magic moments
That we used to share
It’s not even very shocking
We’re like a broken chain
Now we both know it’s over
Days will never be the same"

Those were the opening lines of one of the best concerts I've been to. I mean I love Sunshine. I really do. But this was SOMETHING else. There was so much energy, Kay was so close, the t-shirt so orange with the beautiful pink flashes. Yep - I enjoyed it like I haven't enjoyed a thing for so long.

I was afraid that my stay at home will be boring, dull and the same as always (meaning: feeling the coldness of the people you used to be very close with). But no, it was planned differently. Everything is interconnected and world so small - that is how it happened that through Loupaczech and Traudi I met James. Last few days were so full of joy mainly thanks to him - good karma I bet :o) But thanks for that anyway...

Anyway, as those who know - dates 18th and 19th are too meaningful and too painful for me. Hush, wish things were easier...

it´s been a while since I´ve been here
watch your steeps hold your breath
it´s cruel
I got the devil on my side
go take me out, it´s diner time
then we can watch all memories die
light up the candles, when the waitress turns around

miss you so but you´re holding back
troubles in my dreams again
I´ve been waiting, speechlessly in your bed
lies or love we can have it both
why are you asking if I wanted more
my hands are shaking, I am demanding
but terrified

whatcha gonna do with your goddamn life?
whatcha gonna do when time is up?
whatcha gonna do when they leave the room?
keep it up they have no clue
come on and tell me now what you saw
let me take you to the other side
don´t be late, your heart beat slides
let tears collide, tears collide

there is nothing I can do for you
now we are no longer dancing,
you have got the devil on your side
those broken words like skin & bones
I can´t make it safe and clean
but when you kissed me
into pieces I feel apart

whatcha gonna do with your goddamn life?
whatcha gonna do when time is up
whatcha gonna do when they leave the room
keep it up they have no clue
come on and tell me now what you saw
let me take you to the other side
don´t be late your heart beat slides
don´t be late
don´t be late!

say good-bye
say good-bye
say good-bye...
whatcha gonna do with your goddamn life...

what if they like you beacuse
you are weak?
what if your guardian angel´s
a creep?
what if they lied and turned up
the lights
at the heavens
up above!

Dead Already

I'm back in my hometown for few days before my IB finals come. No matter how happy I was too finally leave Mostar now I wish to be there. Even at Sushac which is miles away from any normal coffee bar which remains opened till late hours - I'd be happier, I presume.
The thing is, that people keep getting older. And they change. So when you leave your place where you have built something like a social network and you start having a life elsewhere - you get disconnected. Not that I would have zero clue about what's going on - no, I know all the gossips. I just don't know the people here anymore.
It's sunny Sunday and I went out only once for like 45 minutes. It was with my dad. FML.
The others seem to be too far away. Both physically and mentally. My ex-classmates are studying for their final exams and the other people I used to hang out with? Their lives took them far far away - some just to Prague, some across the ocean. The result is the same for me anyway - THEY ARE NOT HERE.
I wish for this to change soon. I wish for not being lonely anymore. It's getting on my nerves and thus getting on other people's nerves as well - I mean through facebook or messenger or who knows what other channel... My life is more virtual than real. I haven't spoken to a person in hours.
I am dead already.